New Year

So tomorrow is January 1st, 2011. I'll be going on to college in 2011, graduating high school. I should be excited. I'm looking forward to it, sure, but I'd rather just curl up in bed and read tonight. Being antisocial is not a rare trait I seem to exhibit during the holidays. I end up looking forward to days where I can start fresh and be independent. Where I am an older, more mature person. And the petty dramas of high school and life in general do not hinder my happiness.

I don't know if that would be considered a "New Years Resolution". Resolutions are meant to break after a few days. So maybe this new outlook will simply just be, well, a new outlook. And it will be difficult for me to do. Because I am just so emotional and I care a bit too much. Maybe I care about myself a bit too much.

Today the only thing I'm wearing around my neck is a scarf, by the way. And my phone has been nowhere near me. And I feel fine. I just need a break from life. Talking and screaming and crying and just trying to be included.

I'm just so tired.

Expectations

When someone has expectations, it is automatically assumed that the person he or she has those expectations for are not good enough. It's not a matter of not being good enough but making beneficial choices.

I myself have high expectations for everyone except myself. And, as a result, I become easily disappointed when the said expectations are not met. Generally, I have every right to be upset. I just overreact. And, when I do this, an acherontic air forms around me and I am officially not enjoyable. Which is typical of any teenage girl, I'm sure. Because this situation does not make me special.

Like when you send a song to someone describing exactly how you feel. And - even after pointing out the lyrics - it goes unnoticed. Such a trivial thing shouldn't start a fight - it doesn't. But it doesn't make you feel good since you've made a personal connection with the song. Or when someone tells you that they don't care. Maybe they don't and they're just being honest. Honesty is a great thing - I believe that being open is the only way to have any form of a successful relationship, have it be platonic or romantic. Nonetheless, it still hurts. After the apology, it still hurts.

And after all of that happens, you ultimately feel the same towards said person. Because you are protecting yourself so much, but wanting someone to reach out to you all the same. It's a contradictory situation that happens all too often. But it's only high school. Why would you want to get so emotionally invested? Because it's human nature? Because you can't help it? Maybe it's because you want to provoke a reaction to see if this person cares, values you. I don't know. But this need to be needed by the one you are somewhat rejecting keeps on popping up.

And because you don't like talking about these things, people think you're depressed - even bipolar. But you only just demonstrate how you feel. You wear your emotions on your sleeve. But these emotions are so easily provoked. It all ties back to expectations - everything does. You expect that this person would always think about you. But he doesn't. She doesn't. Why? Why not? I always expect you to, so why don't you? Why? Why do I expect you to only think about me? And consider me, only me and not yourself, when I don't do the same for you?

I don't know. All I know is that I need to move away from these expectations and embrace what's better than them.

And I know you know what that is. Or who.

All you need to save me
Call
And I'll be curled on the floor
Hiding out from it all

---

We are all so self absorbed. I'm definitely not excluded from the "we", but I do at least try to make people feel welcome or cared for.

Moleskins

I've been wanting to buy one for a while now.  I'm not very good with journals, or any sort of day-to-day documentation (if you haven't noticed).  However, a moleskin is full of blank, lineless pages that just tempt me to draw all over them and scribble lyrics all over them.  It's a nice release and not as structured as, say, a blog post.

To summarize a small blog post, I'm happy I got a moleskin.  Am I indie enough yet?

day 007

It took me about five minutes to get this page loaded due to my spotty internet.  And now I am typing.  And I just don't have any idea as to what to write.  My brain is fried and my body wants to sleep.  And I'm in a bit of a sour mood, so sleep would do my body good.

What a waste of a blog post.  Maybe I just like...watching myself type.

Until next time, which will most likely be in a month or five.

EDIT:  UGH I have terrible grammar!  In all of my posts!  And I call myself a writer...or do I...

day 006

Once every month, I become bipolar.

Now, I don't exactly plan on it.  It just happens.  When everything pisses me off or makes me extremely happy.  And, well, I am in this current state of mind.  Which isn't exactly beneficial.  

Today was a pretty slow day.  It still is a slow day.  I've been translating french and making indents in my nail polish for the past hour.  I am also annoyed with more than one person for petty reasons.  I'm pretty sure this is the case with every teenage girl.  Over time, I just become disappointed and hurt.  Looking through the past is never a good idea.  Especially someone else's past.  And you're not a part of it.

That's alright, though.  Everything happens for a reason.

day 005

I was driving home with the windows down.  The ground was wet with unseen rain.  The fresh smell wafted up into my nose.  The sun was peeking out from the clouds, illuminating very little but just enough. Music was blasting from the low quality stereo.  And I felt more alive in those three seconds than I have in three days.

We all have small moments like this everyday.  What really defines a person is if they notice them or the gum they stepped on.  I notice both.  My feet are planted firmly in reality, but I'm just tall enough to stand on my tiptoes and have my head go above the clouds.  It's a nice, comforting feeling.

I'm continuing to have pretty good days.  I hope they stay like this for the rest of the year.

day 004

I had a pretty good weekend.  Friday, I saw The Social Network.  Initially, I wasn't sure how to feel about it.  The people around me felt mixed about it - I could tell.  But,  I now know that I actually liked it because it didn't follow the conventional American story line (beginning - middle - end).


The following day, I watched The Room with my boyfriend.  I was expecting it to be bad, and it was bad.  Actually, that's an understatement - it was horrendous.  Excruciating.  The best actor was the drug dealer.  No.  It was the dog.  I'm happy I saw it, though.  I think I will forever quote that movie, however awkward it may be.  I also fell asleep.  With my mouth wide open.  Breathing heavily.  I sure do know how to impress boys.


Today wasn't as great.  I had various nightmares and the day has been dragging on and on and on, much like this sentence.  I won't dwell on it.  My three followers don't really want to hear about it...And they don't want to hear about how they don't want to hear about it. But that's life.


I'm not really in any position to complain - life is going smoothly.  I'll try to update more often.  

day 003

I haven't been updating much.  Yet a lot has happened.  But when I look at this textbox, I have no idea what to fill it with.  Words, obviously, but what kinds of words?  Powerful words full of emotion?  Yes, yes, but with a filter?  No filter?

It's almost midnight right now and slipping into my bed sounds borderline heavenly.  My days at school are becoming entertaining and lighthearted, as I am taking classes I want to take and surrounding myself with people I feel good around. (that's what she said. (do you get it?)).  I've always done the latter, but everyone is just becoming so important.  Even those who aren't close to me.  I can be highly obnoxious and sometimes snooty.  But I do feel a genuine compassion for all that are innocent yet suffering.  This whole paragraph is just a giant non sequitur and it sounds as if I am either justifying or glorifying myself, so I'll stop while I can.

I was going to make this humorous, but the amount of energy I have is far too low to enhance with wit and good grammar.

Maybe I'll type some tomorrow, the next day, the next week.  Who knows?

day 002

Today could be summed up with a single word - (un)remarkable.  My school day followed the same pattern of monotony (a comfortable pattern at that).  I met with Boy before school, suffered through 1st and 3rd, ate lunch with Friends and Boy, limped through 5th, sat in traffic, then found myself home.  I suppose I'm not giving Friends and Boy enough credit, considering they are extremely weird, therefore highly entertaining.  But nothing out of the ordinary occurred today at my backwards school that has neither rallies nor minimum days.

So everything was unremarkable until I noticed my car was leaking oil.  Then, my day turned slightly remarkable.  You know you had a boring day when the most exciting thing that happens during it was watching a pool of a sticky, black substance form under your car - your symbol of independence. And once I realized that my symbol of independence was soon to be in someone else's hands for a day or two, my day became rather...(un)remarkable.  Seriously.  I'm stuck at home for a couple of days.  The horror.  Nonetheless, I complained to Boy for roughly 30 minutes on and off about it, full of disappointment. 

I have a talent that many other girls share - I can blow up things.  Figuratively.  Although I probably could literally as well.  Back to the main point, I can make a big deal out of a situation.  So, of course I did that with the car ordeal.  I also do the same when my mom yells at me, a bird poops on my car, and when I make funny noises.  It's either my attention whore side or unamused side acting up (probably both).  I like to believe that I am just constantly bored and I want to entertain myself, which typically comes with making others want to cut my head off.

After that lovely self analyzation, my weekend was great.  I went out to a fancy dinner with Boy and had a girl night with Friend H.  I suppose I need a new identification system.  I'll think about it.

This was a pretty drab and dull journal entry.  I feel as if I pulled this out of my ass...Which I did.  Figuratively.  That's gross.

OH.  I am writing a story in my journalism class with a partner.  Well, I hope I am.  I do like to write even if it is a bit stiff at times! (That was a non sequitur).  I remember reading once not to use exclamation points while writing.  Well screw it~~~~!!!!!!!!!!?!!??~!?~!?111  Ahhh.

I hope you have a lovely day or ten...depending when I update next.

day 001

So today is the day I start my blog.  I don't really know what to think of it.

I always find this part awkward.  I mean, I'm an awkward person.  I consistently wave to those who I believe are waving at me (and they obviously aren't), make loud noises that would shake one from a coma, and insult people by calling them female body parts.  Continuing on, I can never make an initial blog post.  So, here I am - doing it.  I feel a mixture of both self-satisfaction and pity.  Only I would find this socially awkward even though about five people will ever Stumble Upon this odd post that contains various non sequiturs and elephants.

Elephants are quite fun to draw.  Just saying.

So, I suppose I will write about my day.  Today was...Well, pretty uneventful.  It's a prelude to Friday, which is a prelude to Saturday, which happens to be my ACT test.  Cool story, right?

Oh, today we had a guest speaker in French.  My friends found his arms very enticing.  When I asked a friend to rate his arms on a scale of one to ten, she gave him a 'sexy'.  I fear for her math grade.

My priorities are pretty messed up...I have three quizzes tomorrow, yet I post on my pathetic blog.  Maybe I'll come back and edit this terrible piece of writing. Probably not. Meh.

P.S.  So I reread this post and realized how forced it is (was?  too.much.effort.).  And I really want to print it out and mark it up.  But you know what?...I probably will.  Except I'm busy.  My inner ramblings are extremely fascinating!