So tomorrow is January 1st, 2011. I'll be going on to college in 2011, graduating high school. I should be excited. I'm looking forward to it, sure, but I'd rather just curl up in bed and read tonight. Being antisocial is not a rare trait I seem to exhibit during the holidays. I end up looking forward to days where I can start fresh and be independent. Where I am an older, more mature person. And the petty dramas of high school and life in general do not hinder my happiness.
I don't know if that would be considered a "New Years Resolution". Resolutions are meant to break after a few days. So maybe this new outlook will simply just be, well, a new outlook. And it will be difficult for me to do. Because I am just so emotional and I care a bit too much. Maybe I care about myself a bit too much.
Today the only thing I'm wearing around my neck is a scarf, by the way. And my phone has been nowhere near me. And I feel fine. I just need a break from life. Talking and screaming and crying and just trying to be included.
I'm just so tired.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Expectations
When someone has expectations, it is automatically assumed that the person he or she has those expectations for are not good enough. It's not a matter of not being good enough but making beneficial choices.
I myself have high expectations for everyone except myself. And, as a result, I become easily disappointed when the said expectations are not met. Generally, I have every right to be upset. I just overreact. And, when I do this, an acherontic air forms around me and I am officially not enjoyable. Which is typical of any teenage girl, I'm sure. Because this situation does not make me special.
Like when you send a song to someone describing exactly how you feel. And - even after pointing out the lyrics - it goes unnoticed. Such a trivial thing shouldn't start a fight - it doesn't. But it doesn't make you feel good since you've made a personal connection with the song. Or when someone tells you that they don't care. Maybe they don't and they're just being honest. Honesty is a great thing - I believe that being open is the only way to have any form of a successful relationship, have it be platonic or romantic. Nonetheless, it still hurts. After the apology, it still hurts.
And after all of that happens, you ultimately feel the same towards said person. Because you are protecting yourself so much, but wanting someone to reach out to you all the same. It's a contradictory situation that happens all too often. But it's only high school. Why would you want to get so emotionally invested? Because it's human nature? Because you can't help it? Maybe it's because you want to provoke a reaction to see if this person cares, values you. I don't know. But this need to be needed by the one you are somewhat rejecting keeps on popping up.
And because you don't like talking about these things, people think you're depressed - even bipolar. But you only just demonstrate how you feel. You wear your emotions on your sleeve. But these emotions are so easily provoked. It all ties back to expectations - everything does. You expect that this person would always think about you. But he doesn't. She doesn't. Why? Why not? I always expect you to, so why don't you? Why? Why do I expect you to only think about me? And consider me, only me and not yourself, when I don't do the same for you?
I don't know. All I know is that I need to move away from these expectations and embrace what's better than them.
And I know you know what that is. Or who.
---
We are all so self absorbed. I'm definitely not excluded from the "we", but I do at least try to make people feel welcome or cared for.
I myself have high expectations for everyone except myself. And, as a result, I become easily disappointed when the said expectations are not met. Generally, I have every right to be upset. I just overreact. And, when I do this, an acherontic air forms around me and I am officially not enjoyable. Which is typical of any teenage girl, I'm sure. Because this situation does not make me special.
Like when you send a song to someone describing exactly how you feel. And - even after pointing out the lyrics - it goes unnoticed. Such a trivial thing shouldn't start a fight - it doesn't. But it doesn't make you feel good since you've made a personal connection with the song. Or when someone tells you that they don't care. Maybe they don't and they're just being honest. Honesty is a great thing - I believe that being open is the only way to have any form of a successful relationship, have it be platonic or romantic. Nonetheless, it still hurts. After the apology, it still hurts.
And after all of that happens, you ultimately feel the same towards said person. Because you are protecting yourself so much, but wanting someone to reach out to you all the same. It's a contradictory situation that happens all too often. But it's only high school. Why would you want to get so emotionally invested? Because it's human nature? Because you can't help it? Maybe it's because you want to provoke a reaction to see if this person cares, values you. I don't know. But this need to be needed by the one you are somewhat rejecting keeps on popping up.
And because you don't like talking about these things, people think you're depressed - even bipolar. But you only just demonstrate how you feel. You wear your emotions on your sleeve. But these emotions are so easily provoked. It all ties back to expectations - everything does. You expect that this person would always think about you. But he doesn't. She doesn't. Why? Why not? I always expect you to, so why don't you? Why? Why do I expect you to only think about me? And consider me, only me and not yourself, when I don't do the same for you?
I don't know. All I know is that I need to move away from these expectations and embrace what's better than them.
And I know you know what that is. Or who.
All you need to save me
Call
And I'll be curled on the floor
Hiding out from it all
---
We are all so self absorbed. I'm definitely not excluded from the "we", but I do at least try to make people feel welcome or cared for.
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